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Tweet Jokes

Hi again welcome to the Tweet Jokes Page, a place for everyone to post a joke in a 140 characters or less. Jokes can be left in comments and then shared on Twitter for anyone. All I ask is you give the credit to the person who wrote the joke on this page enjoy.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A: Better hold on to your nuts this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

These are actually trending topic that I put in order to form a sentence of sorts.

Christ, planning, murder, petition, sale, talks <<<< Trending Topics

Notice, online, whore, worries, smoking, crack, members, handle, silent, night, tune, awake, <<<<< Trending topics

Jokes For Men

Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What’s the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A. You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

Q. How is a woman like a laxative ?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman’s’ nipples for?
A. It’s Braille for “suck here”.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women have tits ?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin ?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
A. They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.

Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A. When they come they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Random Thoughts

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going the wrong way? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch, or your phone, or make a grand arm gesture, and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the vicinity thinks you’re crazy by randomly changing directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was young.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me. I will never again end a work email with the phrase “Regards.”

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell do you fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry ten plastic grocery bags in each hand than make two trips to bring in my groceries.

Part of being a best friend should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother’s municipal league baseball team is named The Stepdads. Since none of them are actually stepdads, I asked about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said, “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies.”

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and then turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, so you can wear them forever.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after tilting your chair back too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to a document that I swear I did not change.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. “I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?”

I hate when I just miss a call on the last ring (“Hello? Hello? Dammit!”), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.

When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from a little mild Internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle. Then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three times and still not remember what time it is.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

When I found out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment stemmed from the fact that I was unaware of my condition in college.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the donkey, but everyone can find and push the snooze button in under a second, eyes closed, first time, every time.

It pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind always obeys the speed limit.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout and, when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, the person who packed my order thought about it and then decided that at least four people were required to eat all that food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like you’re fat just before dinner.


1. keeperofdreams - April 29, 2009

bungee jumping is like getting a blow job from your grandmother , alot of fun until you look down.

2. keeperofdreams - April 29, 2009

a mans 3 wishes
1, be as handsome as he’s mother thinks he is
2 to as rich as his kids think he is
3, i have as many lovers as his wife suspects him to have

3. verwon - April 29, 2009

If all else fails, buy a very, very large sledge hammer!

Margot Jack - May 27, 2009

or how to follow in Nietzsche’s steps!

4. verwon - April 29, 2009

Word to the Wise: The best revenge you can get on someone that has annoyed you is to buy their child a very noisy toy!

Margot Jack - May 27, 2009

I suggest drums!

5. keeperofdreams - April 29, 2009

man are either hungry or horny, if you see a man without an erection make him a sandwich ….

6. epwait - April 29, 2009

Great Jokes folks ROFL

7. keeperofdreams - April 29, 2009

Making Love..
The Italian say’s when i’ve finished making da luv with da wife. i go down and tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6in above da bed in ecstacy.
the frenchman replies Zats is nothting when av’e finshed making love with my wife’ah kiss all za way down her body and zen lick the soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats off the bed 12in in pure ecstacy.
The redneck says that ain’t nothing, when i’ve finished porking the ole lady, i git outer bed walk over to the winder and wipe my wiener off on daos curtains , she hits the friggin ceiling

epwait - April 29, 2009

ROFLMAO That is a great Joke, Only wish it were shorter then it could be tweeted.

8. keeperofdreams - April 30, 2009

why do woman know that god is a man and not a woman …….because if god was a woman she would have made sperm taste like Baileys Iirish cream.

9. keeperofdreams - May 3, 2009

2 nuns are driving along when a a little tiny vampire dude jumps on to the windshield and hangs on to the wiper and hisses at them, quick mary replies “what should i do”, turn on your wipers helen right now , but the tiny vampire dude hangs on and still hisses at them, what now mary “what should i do now,” mary replies use the washer button i filled it with holy water when we left the church, helen sqirts the tiny vampire with the holy water repeatedly, burning from the pain of the holy water he continues to hiss at them, Helen yells mary “quick show him your cross”, mary leans out the window and yells “GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR”

10. newjonathan - May 4, 2009

What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant!

no credit…

11. Margot Jack - May 27, 2009

ONE: What is the one thing you wish you could change about yourself?
THE OTHER: Really, do I look so intelligent to you?

ONE: How do you feel about religion?
THE OTHER: You are my answered prayer!

12. Margot Jack - May 27, 2009

ONE: Do you like to gossip?
THE OTHER: Aren’t you really good? How did you guess I’m a journalist?

epwait - May 29, 2009


13. Margot Jack - May 30, 2009

STUDENT: You wrote that my essay was “very nice with some interesting thoughts”, whatever that means, not a correction, and yet I got only 8 out of 10, may I know why?
PROFESSOR: 8 is for students, 9 for professors, and 10 is for God, now you know!

14. Margot Jack - May 30, 2009


MARKETING ADVISOR: Quickly and easily you can write your own killer ads

PERSON ADVISED: But if I kill the customer, who is going to pay for the advertised item?

15. Margot Jack - June 3, 2009

QUESTION FOR THE FIRST PRIZE (the prize is up to you):
One: Does the Pope eat beaver?
The other: I’m sure, now and then, he reads Simone de Beauvoir

16. Brandy from Trickshots - July 17, 2009

What do soy beans vibrators have in commen? There both meat substutes.

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