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Could YOU pass this test ? May 10, 2010

Posted by epwait in Jokes.
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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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The Pilots, Joke December 3, 2009

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Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They’re getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off.

Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, “You know, Jim one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”

Gambler and The Auditor December 2, 2009

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During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed…

… “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph.

“How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks.

“I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney.

“This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Bus Stop and Tight Skirt November 19, 2009

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One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

Tweet Me Dead! November 12, 2009

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English is a funny old language. Pain, pleasure, hate and love. The same word can cover them all.

“Tweet” just about covers everything.

It can be used as a verb both transitive (Eric tweeted Kari) and intransitive (Kari was tweeted by Eric).

It can be an active verb (Eric really gives a tweet). Or a passive verb (Kari really doesn’t give a tweet).

It can be used as a noun (Kari is a fine tweet). It can be used as an adjective (Kari is tweeting beautiful).

It can be used to describe the whole spectrum of emotions:

Aggression:               Tweet you.

Confusion:                 What the tweet?

Despair:                       Tweeted again.

Difficulty:                    I can’t understand this tweeting business.

Dismay:                        Oh, tweet it!

Displeasure:               What the tweet is going on?

Fraud:                           I got tweeded by my insurance agent.

Incompetence:         He’s all tweeted up.

Laziness:                      She just tweets about.

Passive:                        Tweet me.

Philosophical:            Who gives a tweet?

Problem:                       I guess I’m tweeted now.

Rebellion:                     Tweet off!

Religious:                      Holy tweet.

Suprise:                          Tweeting Incredible!

It can be used to tell time – It’s five tweeting thirty.

It can be used in business – How did he get that tweeting  job?

It can be a prediction – Oh, will I get tweeted!

It can have maternal connotations – as in Mothertweeter.

It can be nautical – Tweet the Admiral.

It can be Political – Tweet Obama.

It can open the door to wonderful relationships – Let’s tweet.

It can be used to enhance the meaning of a word – Beautweetiful, tertweetingrific or absotweetinglutely.

How could anyone be annoyed when you say tweet?

Tell someone “tweet you” today.

But not your mother tweeter.

Alternatively you can substitute “fuck” for “tweet” if you wish. 😉

Eyeball the Monster, Hoodie May 27, 2009

Posted by epwait in My Zazzle.
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Hey check out my latest hoodie on Zazzle all original art.